Everything is Beginning to Go Upside Down.

When sympathy and empathy turn to apathy.

Two cups of double shot espresso, three tall caffe latte, a can of Nescafe's iced latte and a can of Diet Coke are still not enough to keep me awake. I fell asleep easily, dozing off soundly. The next thing I know, it's already near Subuh.

I'm not sure how to explain this counter-caffeine effect. I'm not a caffeine addict, but in the way smokers do when they're stressed out, I may partake in vast consumptions of coffee when I'm under pressure. Which makes me sounds old.

Like I've said earlier, things are already starting to be harsh. Time seems unkind, and when that happens everything seems to be not very tolerating. Throat-cutting comments by lecturers, suffocating tight timetables, steep money problems, West End-standard social dramas -- all are already happening less than a week after the classes have started.

So who wants to deny my accelerating stress? Nobody should.

If it's not for my friends, or at least it seems that way, I would've gone mad. Going back to UiTM means going back to another four months of struggling to shield yourself from one of the world's greatest mentality problems in modern human history. Imagine the liberation I've got from both the Holy Lands and London, and suddenly I'm finding myself under the threat of severe mental block of those from my own so-called race back in the hinterlands of Perak.

It's suffocating. I need coffee.

Home is where everything is. I'm not sure about you, but I find the phrase true to the core. Fools who equalise 'modernity' with gigantic malls will find Shah Alam backward, but please do yourselves a favour, go fuck yourself and I'll say who needs another mall?

I mean, seriously, if we want to do a little advanced hangout, we'll just grab our car keys and go elsewhere out of the city. Then we'll laugh out at the traffic jams our neighbouring neighbourhoods have to suffer everyday (while being caught in it). Mind you, we still have to drive, because the public transportation system is very inefficient and our leaders are still not interested to do anything about it (besides from announcing plans).

Just like how everybody seems to be so connected nowadays (yeah, thanks Facebook, MySpace, and for those who are still stuck in the early 2000s, Friendster), everything seems to be so connected to each other too.

This and that have something to do with these and those, and these and those have something to do with him and her, and him and her were speculated to be up to this and that, while this and that are these and those faults.

If you still don't get me, here's an example. "Petrol". There... there, watch your minds run wild.

"Mahasiswa sekarang ni lemah. Sebab tu lah menteri-menteri sekarang ni pun lemah."

I really am wondering why are some students, ours of course, are still having some kind of mental blockade even if they're studying in places like, say, UK. For me it's unimaginable. Students there got more than movie discounts as they're given privileges as many as they could've been given. They are allowed to explore knowledge liberally, where thoughts can linger around freely and everybody's opinion are respected. What calamity has happened that causes some of our students there failure to adapt in the vast freedom granted for them?

Knowledge liberates. Islam asks us to seek knowledge. Therefore, Islam liberates. But is it happening here in Malaysia?

Here the Qur'an, apparently, is only used to cover one's mistakes, to be used for false oaths, its verses picked up to back up something wrong.

At times like this, I really miss being under the shadows of the Kaaba, where I can feel secure and safe. I really miss the hymns of Raudah, the chill of being in it, and the scents breathing in between its columns. So my faith, my religion is just a mere tool and puppet for others -- it seems that they want it that way. What more can I do?

I'm just another rakyat in one of the world's most confusing democracy. Which means, I'm unheard of. We seem to be importing everything from Makkah and London -- Islam, Westminster-style parliament -- but something went wrong in the process of copycatting. We're losing our identity fast.

It'll be another four months before I can run away again. Yeah, very cowardly, running away has been an option for me recently. I don't expect anything easy out of the four months either.

So, I bet everybody will be afraid to comment this post. But it's OK.

"Mahasiswa sekarang ni lemah. Sebab tu lah menteri-menteri sekarang ni pun lemah."

Interesting set of lecturers I got for this semester, I must say.

Two cups of double shot espresso, three tall caffe latte, a can of Nescafe's iced latte and a can of Diet Coke are still not enough to keep me awake. I fell asleep easily, dozing off soundly. The next thing I know, it's already near Subuh.