I must say I've been quite out of place recently. Literally and otherwise. Being the person I am -- not knowing how to take things simply -- I was easily depressed as soon as complicated things barge in the picture. Things are getting more frustrating. The pressure came from many sides. I became disappointed in what I'm doing, though unfortunately I'm unsure from which the pressure came the most -- the course? the place? the people?
It's like my studies are flushing into a decline. It's shameful, to say the least. I become unsure of where to turn to. Procrastinating is another thing, but being in a state of idea scarcity is another. Design suddenly became savagely cruel. I feel dumb, really. It's like anything that I'm good in are becoming absolutely useless when it comes to design, and the situation isn't getting better.
And the place, well, I think you've heard enough complaints if you're one of my close friends. I hate Seri Iskandar. More so, UiTM Perak. Rigid, rigid and too rigid. Why complain, you say? Because we can change the situation, dumb ass. If you keep denying your actual rights and submitting your fate to the authority this is what's happening. They'll bully you.
Guys can't go out after 9 pm? Driving in campus after 12 pm is off-limits? Tucking in T-Shirts, long pants, not wearing faded jeans, short haircut, not wearing slippers and to a certain extent having short fingernails make you a better university student than others? Dude, we can change this. Stage a revolution and we can mingle around freely even though we're in IPTA.
'Safety reasons' is always the reason to be manipulated. Sounds like US war against terrorism warnings, don't you think so?
There's nothing unIslamic or unMalay or for clarity's sake, Westernised about not tucking in my fucking shirt into my fucking trousers. Like they always say, we university students always have our priority -- that is, to study -- so don't you think that we don't have to waste our time dealing with near-authoritarian pak guards and settling our samans? Like what the hell, man?
About the people, well, there's no problem about the people. Nearly.
It's quite an honest thing to say that I'm now at crossroads. It's worrisome that I'm diverting away from my original ways and aims. I must say, I loved architecture and after some cross-checks, still am. There are certain times, however, that I feel so downgraded, I felt like changing course. Absolutely.
I wondered whether I'm in the right place, with the right people. Maybe that's why I come home often, I want to keep in touch with my older roots. I can be quite a confusing guy, I can be like that there, and like this at another place. Then it all became mixed up.
Then again, changing my course totally would still be unbelievable, at least a little bit far-fetched. Again, my indecisive self depended on others' viewpoints and opinions about this, particularly of those back home. Pursuing my studies in architecture has always been my dreams, why abandon the ship now? I guess it'll be a pointless thing to do even if I did, I thought.
I do have other interests in life. Particularly photography and journalism, while some convinced me that I might be doing well in advertising. At least I'll end up doing arts and design or anything relating to the media, publishing, the lot. But built environment is kind of hard to be ignored.
I was too tired to think rationally. Maybe not now. So, I guess, even if I want to divert from the initial route I might just as well finish what I'm already starting first. Why not? I must say, it's quite a habit for me to leave things before they're unfinished. Which is bad, I know. Maybe I'm the one who is impatient.
Yes, I complain a lot. I criticise a lot. So do many others in my field. We're not called architectural students or at least design-related students if we're not critical. Criticising is not all bad. Being pak turut is bad. Following a law is good, but are all laws good?
Critising doesn't mean you're ungrateful. Come on, be independent, be free. If you want to go ahead being forced to wear the tudung or having to wear sweaters to cover your short sleeve Ts and so-called exposing jeans then fine. But don't come up later and complain this and that behind the pak guard's asses, because it is you who are submitting yourself in the first place.
As for design, well, there's hope. And as always, there are friends who are supportive and non supportive, which I don't really have to bother anyway. My individualism traits (which is quite normal back home, I didn't even noticed it) has irritated some, it seems. Being a non-conformist I'm already am, should I change myself just because some unenlightened souls labeled me as selfish?
It's hard. If you hear any architectural students complain about not having enough time to socialise (to a certain extent, sleep), he or she is not lying. At all. Believe me, I've been missing a lot. And I'm missing a lot of things. Being in Perak won't help either.
And when you hear they say it's hard, believe them too. Sorry for the unanswered calls and messages, for unattended invites and ignored plights. I really, really want to keep in touch. I really want to restore the good old days. I don't like my life today. It seems to be complete materially outside, but inside it's deserted.
Right now, I'm finding my ways back, traces of which has been covered by unnecessary stuffs and conflicting things for the past three semesters. I hope I can find it.
If only I had more time.
It's like my studies are flushing into a decline. It's shameful, to say the least. I become unsure of where to turn to. Procrastinating is another thing, but being in a state of idea scarcity is another. Design suddenly became savagely cruel. I feel dumb, really. It's like anything that I'm good in are becoming absolutely useless when it comes to design, and the situation isn't getting better.
And the place, well, I think you've heard enough complaints if you're one of my close friends. I hate Seri Iskandar. More so, UiTM Perak. Rigid, rigid and too rigid. Why complain, you say? Because we can change the situation, dumb ass. If you keep denying your actual rights and submitting your fate to the authority this is what's happening. They'll bully you.
Guys can't go out after 9 pm? Driving in campus after 12 pm is off-limits? Tucking in T-Shirts, long pants, not wearing faded jeans, short haircut, not wearing slippers and to a certain extent having short fingernails make you a better university student than others? Dude, we can change this. Stage a revolution and we can mingle around freely even though we're in IPTA.
'Safety reasons' is always the reason to be manipulated. Sounds like US war against terrorism warnings, don't you think so?
There's nothing unIslamic or unMalay or for clarity's sake, Westernised about not tucking in my fucking shirt into my fucking trousers. Like they always say, we university students always have our priority -- that is, to study -- so don't you think that we don't have to waste our time dealing with near-authoritarian pak guards and settling our samans? Like what the hell, man?
About the people, well, there's no problem about the people. Nearly.
It's quite an honest thing to say that I'm now at crossroads. It's worrisome that I'm diverting away from my original ways and aims. I must say, I loved architecture and after some cross-checks, still am. There are certain times, however, that I feel so downgraded, I felt like changing course. Absolutely.
I wondered whether I'm in the right place, with the right people. Maybe that's why I come home often, I want to keep in touch with my older roots. I can be quite a confusing guy, I can be like that there, and like this at another place. Then it all became mixed up.
Then again, changing my course totally would still be unbelievable, at least a little bit far-fetched. Again, my indecisive self depended on others' viewpoints and opinions about this, particularly of those back home. Pursuing my studies in architecture has always been my dreams, why abandon the ship now? I guess it'll be a pointless thing to do even if I did, I thought.
I do have other interests in life. Particularly photography and journalism, while some convinced me that I might be doing well in advertising. At least I'll end up doing arts and design or anything relating to the media, publishing, the lot. But built environment is kind of hard to be ignored.
I was too tired to think rationally. Maybe not now. So, I guess, even if I want to divert from the initial route I might just as well finish what I'm already starting first. Why not? I must say, it's quite a habit for me to leave things before they're unfinished. Which is bad, I know. Maybe I'm the one who is impatient.
Yes, I complain a lot. I criticise a lot. So do many others in my field. We're not called architectural students or at least design-related students if we're not critical. Criticising is not all bad. Being pak turut is bad. Following a law is good, but are all laws good?
Critising doesn't mean you're ungrateful. Come on, be independent, be free. If you want to go ahead being forced to wear the tudung or having to wear sweaters to cover your short sleeve Ts and so-called exposing jeans then fine. But don't come up later and complain this and that behind the pak guard's asses, because it is you who are submitting yourself in the first place.
As for design, well, there's hope. And as always, there are friends who are supportive and non supportive, which I don't really have to bother anyway. My individualism traits (which is quite normal back home, I didn't even noticed it) has irritated some, it seems. Being a non-conformist I'm already am, should I change myself just because some unenlightened souls labeled me as selfish?
It's hard. If you hear any architectural students complain about not having enough time to socialise (to a certain extent, sleep), he or she is not lying. At all. Believe me, I've been missing a lot. And I'm missing a lot of things. Being in Perak won't help either.
And when you hear they say it's hard, believe them too. Sorry for the unanswered calls and messages, for unattended invites and ignored plights. I really, really want to keep in touch. I really want to restore the good old days. I don't like my life today. It seems to be complete materially outside, but inside it's deserted.
Right now, I'm finding my ways back, traces of which has been covered by unnecessary stuffs and conflicting things for the past three semesters. I hope I can find it.
If only I had more time.
4 comments:
i agree with u on this one. how cn one person's clothing affect one's status as a good student? btw, ur so liberated dat it's unfair 4 u to be stuck in a local u. go to a private u or an oversea u.
pulang lah cepat. kita buka together jom!
salam.
yo syukri kun. it's been a while.
jiwa remaja memberontak huh? sabar sje lah. u can't change that lame law (which wants student to tuck in ur shirt, not wearing sandles n etc). just stick to 'nvm. 4 sem lagi! den i'm through with this place!' hoho
oh and about designing. u should find a 'spot or event' which you could enter the at-the-peak-of-my-creativity or in shortform : aspiration. there are ppl who're able to get some ideas while playing games, or having tea, or even after performing solat. once u found your style, designing is a piece of cake.
hoho.
*peace*
anonymous,
thank you. unfair or otherwise the damage is done, so what I can do now is to continue what I've started.
can I know who are you?
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alyaa,
boleh, haha. tunggu nak dekat raya nnt (:
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shahril,
haha. thank you! I'm still clueless, though. sigh. It's hard, it's hard :/
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