...I think I cured myself. I have got myself distracted, quite successfully, by my office, my boss, and friends who understand. I got a lot of support this year, some gladly by the people I least expected to give me support. It's a very, very complicated year. One half was a drama that ended with quite a success, all cloaked with hope for a better half of the year. Of course, the other half only turned out worse then ever.
One thing for sure is I'm quite scared of people leaving me once they have found out the truth. People find me to be okay to be alone in places, since they're acquainted with stories of me flying to here and there alone. The truth is, now, I get pain whenever I'm alone. I will overreact to rejections, even if my wall post on Facebook gets unreplied. That's why I tweet a lot whenever I'm alone - waiting at the hospital, in the LRT, in a midst of a near-static traffic jam, sometimes in my cubicle - because I want to be in touch with people, and in the case of Twitter, mostly are my school friends.
Ever since the so-called depression months, I can't even handle a single downgrading tweet, or even an attack on my self-esteem in any Facebook posts. What more in the real world. I'm afraid if people don't reply my text or my BBM, afraid that he or she might think that I'm a freak, or they're actually planning to leave me too, just like you did. If they reply in a sense that they're angry or irritated, I'll turn afraid that they might be angry because I'm too clingy, or I'm interrupting their lives.
Yes, I'm that scared. You left, I'm recovering, but that's it. I'm traumatised.
Sometimes I drove to some of my friends' place since they're not replying my texts, or declining my texts out of no reason. I'm at fault for barging in, and showing up without any alarm, so sometimes I was told off and scolded, shouted at since I have interrupted their business at that moment. I think I deserved that, I forgot other people had their own problems and their own lives too.
But the idea is this: there are my friends who know of my condition, while many of them don't. Those who knew are really special, since they know. However I know that it'd be very selfish of me to crave for attention from them, since these people who know have their own problems too, but that's just about it: I'm comfortable being around the people I trust fully. So even these people that I trust are running away, I....I uh, actually, don't know what to do if that happens. Destroyed all over again?
I got nauseated when people told me off, smacked me of being a show off. I don't show off. I only show the only things that I have. Oh, in fact, I don't even have anything right now. Everything is gone. In fact I'm really, really broke. I only have the past to be recalled, good times, greater days. I'm only sugarcoating the present: the very fragile present. So should I still be attacked?
Cured, yeah. These are the side effects.
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