Senseless Dawn

The whole 140-character thing Twitter has apparently is, quite unfortunately, bugging me from writing longer sentences. The magic is, though, is how Twitter has managed to force at least a portion of its users to explain whatever that they're feeling (or, accurately, what's happening) into a composed text in a limited number of characters. I personally think that, disciplinary in writing-wise at least, it's clever.

Moving on -- rolled up my blinds as usual today, as soon as the time on my laptop ticks 6:44AM. I'm not sure about that though, I mean, why -- why did I rolled up the blind right after that. Recalling that, which just happened half an hour ago anyway, shouldn't 6:44AM be a bit too early to roll up the blinds, the curtain, or whatever that's covering your windows? It's wrong and funny, especially for Malaysian time. Where the hell did I think I was?

It's just one of the little nonsensical things I do -- doing things unconsciously. I have been unconscious especially for the past few days, and while some of you won't like reading this, it's kind of becoming a fact that I'm accepting. If last year, the Depression has caused me to twirl all over and to some extent turned blind, this new phenomenon -- albeit familiar -- seems confusing. 

Now, slouching towards the end of February, the pain suddenly strikes back. It's like an old friend visiting. Funny thing though, I greeted it with no surprise. Though I must believe, that it's beginning to periodically altering some of my forcefully-arranged routines, so-called, of the things I do to distract me from all these pain (and, rather ironically, intended to change my life).

I must say that even I myself am worried along the way of jotting this down. As usual my sleep watch has been toggled greatly -- God knows when I'm asleep and when I'm awake, it can be anytime! I'm already fixing it, the sleep cycle, the focus part, the workload, everything. However it just keeps coming.

For the mean while, I'm just moodless. At many times, I'm beyond speechless. I'm finding myself at odds not only with the person I have been trying so much to avoid, but now with nearly everyone, my Timeline, my studio mates, even my closest of friends. Is this part of the paranoia, the trauma, signs of an early new stage of pain, or what?

...I don't know how to conclude this. Solutions, at many times, just conclude myself to leave. I obviously can't. What, then?