Better Than Never, huh?

Once upon a Raya. Twice upon the dullness. Thrice..

WE, OF COURSE, DON'T HAVE Boxing Day for Hari Raya, unlike Christmas. Boxing Day is the day after Christmas where all shops sell their stuffs at a very low price in order to clear their stocks (but I don't think it's practiced here, or is it?). Simply, a day to where the sellers go lelong, and the shoppers go borong. I guess Boxing Day wouldn't work for Raya, for some obvious reasons you can think of. We, however, has practiced 'boxing night' quite successfully for a very long time.

Najmi wanted to do some very last-minute baju Melayu shopping, so after dropping by at my Wan's place at PJ (in which Haziq experienced his first takbir rumah ke rumah session of his life) and after an earlier last-minute shopping at OU (in which I nearly didn't get anything), we decidedly went to PKNS. Having low expectations in the first place as it was already late midnight, I was surprised that the place is still vibrant and full of people. Well, wow!

It's a good thing because I get the chance to feel the Raya atmosphere that was, well, lost! Najmi got himself a pair of baju Melayu at a very good price. I went on to buy a lemang, some serunding and some rendang for the next day.

I love this tradition of selling things late at night even on the eve of Raya. I don't know how much this Raya has contributed to the nation's economy, but this whole lelong thing -- or should we say Raya's own version of Boxing Day -- is totally worth it. One, it caters to last-minute shoppers, of course and two, it brings Raya to city-folks like me who have wondered where Raya has gone to this year.

Where is it anyway?

Yep, where. Not when. Okay, so before you preach about how fantabulous-licious your Raya is, I advice you to not even think about it. Unless if you're a schoolkid. Even schoolkids aren't given enough break for this Raya. I mean, you guys have PMR and SPM after this holidays, right? Meanwhile we obviously have exams coming up too. I even have friends already finding themselves back to their colleges, some still here are rushing up to their assignments. For many of those overseas, it's a beginning of a new semester thus it's quite vital for them not to go back. Even for our parents, many are in the middle of their work! Shah Alam is only empty for a few days. If you dismiss those who aren't balik kampung, that is.

Do a counter-check, and you'll find that most kampung gatherings are not complete.

"It's the worst Raya, man.." says Edzmir. We ended up at Burger King after a series of frustrating, failed beraya attempts made to some people's houses today. At the houses we did, the borak-borak lingers around the same exchange of thoughts about how this year's Raya is failing us.

"Dulu kita Raya kat sini jugak, tapi tak adalah boring macam ni?" An unanswerable question.

Yusra said it's too short a holiday. People are still spending Raya with their families at this time, she suggested. I do think it's true. Relatives' open houses are overlapping with those of friends', each other rushing towards this Monday's deadline where everybody's already returning to their studies and works. As for the peers, not so many are going to return home for the upcoming Syawal weekends until November's semester break, which makes things duller. For those having an extra week or two for the Raya break like Haziq, well, they'll end up with nothing else to do as nobody else is around (except for studying, that is).

Nonetheless we've had our Raya this year, and we all know how it went on. Thank God, we're done. At the same time, I'm waiting for Raya to move past the busier months. That'll be many years from now, but God-willing, I hope it'll worth the wait. Maybe at that time we'll find ourselves enjoying it again.

Or maybe we just need more Boxing Days.

PHOTO 1. A woman browsing through scarves sold at Kompleks PKNS, Shah Alam on the eve of Hari Raya, October 1. Muslim traders all over Malaysia selling Raya-related merchandises go low on their last day of sale, causing people still thronging to do last-minute shopping even though they're only hours away from the dawn of Raya. 2. A kakak waiting for her shop's customers. 3. Baju Melayu, prices cut-down, up for grabs! 4. My..my. All pictures captured Oct 1, 2008. No edits. More of them at Flickr!

Ah, What a Low-key Raya!

I promise I will refurbish and update my Flickr tonight because I know I will not have this much of free time later.

Tapi, I want to go lepak first. Is it okay with you?

[Correction; 12:11AM] Ergh. Maybe later than later.

p/s: Happy belated birthday to my little sister, Anis! (who was celebrating it on the first day of Raya), and to all my relatives and friends who are celebrating their birthday during this month of Syawal (..October). Cough, cough.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri

Layan orang lain macam mana kita nak dilayan.
Hormat orang lain macam mana kita nak dihormati.
Sayangi orang lain macam mana kita nak disayangi.

Kerana bukan kita saja yang penting. Ego takkan bawak ke mana. Maaf bukan sekadar kata.

Selamat Hari Raya. Sayangilah, dan kita akan disayangi.

Will be away starting tomorrow to PJ & Ipoh. PHOTO Cobbler, Old Istanbul. December 2007.

Masjid Tua di Lorong Harmoni

This video/montage was shown at Archiday 2008 - Luas during August 29, representing my batch, Part 03 architectural students of UiTM Seri Iskandar, Perak (the organisers of the event).

The video was captured during our last architectural trip down to Malacca last August, and was made specially for our batch's Archiday montage. I'm supposed to post this video up one month ago, in which I obviously didn't due to technical (and time) reasons.

First off this is my first (full) film-making attempt, so I forewarned the viewers that this really is an 'experimental' documentary. I intended the video to be thought-provoking, instead of the usual entertaining ones. The editing is quite raw, so sorry, because I only did the editing less than twelve hours before the Archiday starts (yikes) because I encountered so much problems converting the pain-in-the-ass HD (High Definition) format into the usual formats earlier (thus, having problems to find the right software to edit HD videos). I really wanted to add some subtitles here and there, and to 'tidy' some things up a bit but with things being last minute, well...

So I was strolling around the streets of Malacca with Adi and Mat Jek at around 10pm, until we bumped into this mosque which dramatically rose in the midst of Peranakan shophouses. It's quite a unique sight. I was really attracted with the ambiance of the mosque so I immediately planned for a documentary to be made based on this mosque without abandoning Malacca's astounding cultural variety.

We started shooting the next day, from Maghrib until Isyak. I rose very early the day after that, -- at five in the morning -- just to get the scenes of a Malaccan morning, in which I was very glad I did.

But don't complain that the message is not there. There is a message. That's exactly what we (or specifically, I) wanted you to do. To at least think. I mean, this is not AF, so yeah. Think!

Why, and how would a mosque would be so befittingly alive in the midst of a community it seems not belonged to? How does people around there relate themselves to the mosque, even though they're not Muslims? Does the mosque poses a hierarchy to its surroundings, or does it simply brings harmony to the surroundings? How does a man relate himself to a building? Does the mosque's presence poses a threat to other cultures dwelling around it? Is it killing the other cultures? Or is it adding to the unity and balance of the lives of the people there?

The video actually questions the very problem we Malaysians are facing today. We're trying so hard to impose our culture upon others', yet even though we're doing so we're dividing ourselves even more further from each other instead of uniting ourselves. What have gone wrong? If assimilation and amalgamation didn't take place, then what did? Intolerance? Discrimination? Ignorance?

The message is this: Stop killing our culture. 'Our' here means Malaysian, and by Malaysian there are more than three narrowly-defined races. There are incredibly more, and they've existed for hundreds of years living in harmony right here in this beloved land of ours, peacefully uninterrupted.

So what are we doing today? Why the xenophobia? Why the racism? Why the hatred? Have we all gone mad? Which culture are we trying to defend? We build very weird buildings, for example, to impress others but in the end is it a building for us? Our culture is raped, the architecture poisoned and the rich heritage killed, leaving only a shredded piece of a puzzled identity, a cultural attempt built of selected definitions and erasing the ones unparalleled to it. Saddening.

Race-based politics must stop. Our ethnicity is not something to be championed, but to be preserved. Embrace the diversity, learn from the differences. More and more of our culture are going to be suffocated if we continue to be arrogant and ignorant towards others'. We may think that we're already winning the game of nation-building, but in reality, sadly, we're losing it hard. It's the time to open up our eyes, hearts and minds in order to save things before it's getting really late to do so.

Sometimes, the more we're trying to differentiate ourselves from others, the more we see the similarities in between ourselves.

So it's back to the question: kita, seluas mana? Luaskah pemikiran kita? Atau kita hanya menciplak (sekali lagi!) frasa 'berfikiran luas' itu untuk nampak moden, global dan advanced padahal kita sebenarnya berjiwa sempit dan berpandangan cetek? Are we going to be advanced anyway, if issues like racism and cultural discrimination still exists in a society aspiring to be liberal and united?

It's just a pakcik and a mosque, anyway. Why would it bring a definition so large? Large, you say. Spacious, we think. Luas, nampaknya, benar-benar luas. Terpulanglah kepada keluasan fikiran kita untuk menilainya.

Cinematography Syukri Shairi Interviewers Ijat Zunaidi, Syith Mukhtar Crew Peteh Yunus, Comet Jaafar, Adi Zakaria, Mat Jek Abd Majid, Mat Chah Md Nawi, Kepang Zainabdin Editing & Publishing Syukri Shairi With many thanks to Haji Muhammad Hasan, bilal of Masjid Kampung Kling, Malacca. Music At the Funeral Pyre -- Hardesh Singh (2004); Faith, Hope & Chaos Malaysian Contemporary Music Volume 1, Tentang Tentang -- Butterfingers; Selamat Tinggal Dunia (2004) Published August 29, 2008 Seri Iskandar. PHOTOS Uppermost Haji Muhammad Hasan Middle Street Scene, Jonker St Lowest A man passes by Masjid Kg Kling near Jonker St www.archiday2008.blogspot.com

..hm, I Thought It was Nowhere Nearer?

'tis the season, alright.

This is obviously a kicap on a table bench.
Look closer and you'll see Kedai Runcit Rahmath's price tag!
It's like Seri Iskandar's Tesco of some sort.

Apa hang buat tu, Abu?

Ah, the lemang! The glorious lemang! After having my lemang for berbuka bought at Shah Alam Mall today, I've come to a conclusion that this lemang -- bought at Titi Gantong near Bota -- is a masterpiece. The great taste, as always the case with traditional delicacies, comes with a cheaper price tag too. Kelihatan juga kicap yang ditunjukkan sebentar tadi.

Foooood! Ready to be devoured. A mix from the bazars from Bota and Sidec.

Yasmin dan saya! Pinjam kejap, KP!

Most of the batch. Some went missing (there are 75 of us). Well, LUAS! (Off!)

LAST WEDNESDAY WE HAD this simple buka puasa at our studio. It was a merry thing and there were lots of (delicious) food, so we enjoyed it a lot. Some of us were already leaving starting from that night, so it's the first and the last buka puasa session at the studio for the most of us for this Ramadan.

We had our annual Panjut event for the next night. Panjut involves arranging the usual pelita into much more attractive forms and organisations, a very Raya-centric tradition held by our architecture department. So we did our part. Cutting to the chase, I've to send some of us to Ipoh Train Station after the event ended that night. The train was bound to arrive at 2 am, so I was quite worried that we're not allowed to enter the campus after we're out.

Nevertheless the pak guard let us in even though it's already 3 in the morning, hassle-free. How merciful!

We began our balik raya exodus on Friday morning. By then everybody has started to leave UiTM (and Seri Iskandar, in general) back to their homes. Traffic along the way was surprisingly smooth, thank God. Traffic at the road near Batu Tiga station and Klang gave me minor headaches, anyway. And terkurang pahala jugak lah.

Earlier today we went to BB to do some Raya shopping. Last year's was great for me because I got myself lots of Ts at low prices. Yet for this year, I ended up being traumatised because our usual place for T-shirt hunting has becoming very mainstream, being attacked by lots of very confused people. I just lost my favourite T-shirt refuge! (Didn't matter anyway, the design is getting sucky). I only got a belt from Pavilion's Pull and Bear. We went back after I bought some doughnuts.

Later that evening I went to search for pelita I want to light up for tonight. Disappointingly I failed to find any (though I managed to get the kerosene). As Mama was complaining that I still haven't get myself a baju Melayu yet, I set myself for a baju hunting down at PKNS after berbuka.

After one hour of browsing through a festive crowd, I didn't get myself anything. But there is a good baju or two. It's either I'm spoilt for choice or I've absolutely have no choice -- I've had a purple baju before! Can I have a green one instead?

In terms of preparation, this Raya falls to the lowest stairs! And Raya is three days away!

"Macam tak percaya je dah nak Raya!" -- Nak tak percaya cane lagi? Kena la percaya!

Photos are not edited. And no, there's nothing new at Flickr so don't even bother to check things out -- I'm trying to save some of your precious times here.

Perantauan Messages We Longed For

It’s the season for the salam perantauan again, a season when we annually do the anxious face detections in the newspapers be it printed or online, searching for the greetings from our far-away loved ones – be it family or friends whom are finding their way outside in the overseas.

WITH THE ADVENT of social networking and Skype, salam perantauan are surprisingly undying, as if it’s a conventionally upheld tradition which eventually became an indicator that Raya is coming nearer. It adds some vibe to the gap between the perantau and their missed ones, someway, somehow.

It didn’t matter for me at least for the past previous years. Things, however, will be quite different this Raya as more of my friends since the schooldays are leaving, or more correctly, have left the country. It has taken quite a toll during the past few months, and the number is expected to be bigger by next year. The number, how big it is, doesn’t matter though. It’s the particular person who is leaving that matters the most. These people, unfortunately for me, make up most of the leaving herds.

My best of friends during the late primary and early secondary days, Ariff and Aidil, have left for the States earlier this month. Ariff is settling down at somewhere near Philadelphia, whereby Aidil is pursuing his studies in L.A. Uzair’s departure news came to a great shock to me during mid-August, in which his pursuit of going to Medan has clumsily slipped off my mind much thanks to the heavy workloads. Predictably, I didn’t go to any of the three’s send-offs.

Some of us might not even make it to be here until next year’s Raya, obviously. Haziq and Dira – both being all-time buddies – are already topping the list. Nonchalantly speaking, next year’s Raya is expected to be one of the most ‘deserted’ Raya, ever for me. Certainly, the ‘not really anticipating for Raya’ attitude is quite non-mover as the quorum is increasingly becoming lesser and lesser.

But it’s not doomsday yet. Visits are still not out of reach. Even so, I do find visits to overseas during Raya being quite far-fetched, especially at a time where I do have the option of being here at home. At least, tentatively, not before I’m finding myself migrating elsewhere. The last time I find myself overseas during the festive season was during 2004’s Ramadan, back in Sydney, and I guess I find the experience not really pleasant.

We just arrived on what could be the eve of Ramadan, and we’re unsure whether the anak bulan – the hilal – has been sighted or not. Clearly in the midst of Sydney’s indifferent nightlife which paid absolutely no attention whatsoever to whether it’ll be a fasting day or any of the two Eids coming tomorrow, I find the situation rather hastening. So we followed the experienced Ayah, grabbed the nearest kebab at the nearby Lebanese restaurant intended for sahur – in which we missed, anyway.

We proceeded with our first day of fasting, nevertheless. Of course, fasting in the middle of a non-fasting community is always a struggling thing to do. Public eating and drinking by the others was an obvious challenge, with other factors adding up along the way. Another thing was we walked a lot as it was a trip nonetheless, so we got really get tired by the end of the day. The following day became one of the hottest days during the season, with the temperature soaring up to 40°C but still modest, thankfully the moderate humidity saved the day.

But the reward is still around. For berbuka that day, there was an overindulging portion of nasi briyani from a Christmas Island-originated Malay owned restaurant, the usual shish kebab and the familiarity of McDonald’s Filet O’ Fish. Later, there was an addition of the Nasi Pelangi – a nasi I’m still puzzled to define, until today. For tomorrow, I realised that nasi uduk isn’t really different from nasi lemak, so we had one for berbuka from an Indonesian eaterie near Chinatown.

The feast was big during the last day. The next thing I know I went dizzy aboard my flight back to KL, nearly skipping the in-flight sahur (as I’ve spent a very long time inside the toilet). I never travelled during Ramadan ever again. It is, of course, unavoidable now for some of us. Eventually, the time will come for me too. But before we contemplate whether it’s the miles that count; it’s a safe and blessed Ramadan – from whichever perspective you see it – that really matters: everywhere, every time.

There are real Ramadan and Hari Raya beneath all the frenzies, more than fancy clothes, packed-and-sent kuih and large cards. A wish is more than a wish when it is given with real thoughts, which trespasses every known and unknown boundary. Don’t stop the salam perantau to each and every one of us, keep it coming, and may we return from our ‘journey’ to the right place this Eid. Not to home, not to the kampungs, not to the open houses; but to return to what we believe in, and nothing else.

Posted in Seri Iskandar. Not listening to anything.

May Nasi Kerabu Lives On, Among Other Things

Be it fancy feasts or mediocre meals, berbuka -- iftar, breaking fast and what have you -- took a slight change of air for my Ramadan this year.

OUR BERBUKA MENU, interestingly, has been of stale variety. For many passing Maghribs, nasi kerabu has becoming a staple with interchanging lauk, the option being ikan goreng, ikan keli or the usual ayam goreng rempah. It's the most preferred meal as it is the most well-prepared, scrumptious meal sold at our nearest Ramadan bazar: made, prepared and sold without any significant failure, in which usually includes the absence of solok lada or the usual keropok.

That is, of course, as long as you get the right gerai. Works everywhere, this tip.

With the nasi kerabu (which may be switched with nasi dagang, nasi ayam or nasi goreng anyway, but rarely nasi lemak) comes the various air kotak, air tin or the standard RM2 air bungkus -- be it tebu, soya, kelapa, Milo, tembikai, sirap bandung, mangga or 'jus ori Abang Gaban', the lot -- for squinching the thirst.

Sounds rich. However, the menu doesn't change a lot since the first day we got excited for the newly-located bazar. We love nasi kerabu a lot, but at the bazar alone there are four operating stalls selling nasi kerabu (and lots of it) alongside two identified stalls selling the same food -- the same bontot ayam, the same pedal, the same ayam golek -- and I'm not even getting to the drinks stall part yet.

It's like liking Jason Mraz's I'm Yours but being fed up with it being played at the radio all over again, without fail, constantly, each and every time you change the channel.

Whatever it is, breaking fast for Ramadan this year is being much a simpler affair. It's a no fuss situation for me, no less. I've bumped into meal-less buka puasa one or two times before and yet I'm finding myself not complaining much. Almost every berbuka sessions are had in our bilik, with food laid out on old newspaper sheets, still packed in their plastic bags. The azan from the nearest surau will roar out loud through the college speakers, while the doa berbuka will be said out of the most unexpected person amongst us and the feast begins. After berbuka, some of us will go for Tarawih, some to the studio and some staying at the room, resuming their works.

Nearly, its the routine for us everyday for the past two weeks or three.

Compared to this year's stagnant, low-key variety at our Ramadan bazar, last year's bazar is best described as one of the best bazars that has been around during my lifetime. During Part 1, when we definitely didn't possess the luxury of having cars around, we took the challenge of walking outside of the campus just to indulge in the delights of the bazar at SIDEC, risking ourselves to berbuka tengah-tengah jalan back into UiTM. Looking at the situation now with a batch with one car for every four person which makes us seem to be so paralysed, it was a very miraculously rajin thing to do.

That simply explains the attraction. The variety of the bazar is massive -- hundreds of stalls selling nearly anything you want for berbuka -- and we're expected to be in long lines for the best food stalls. The best nasi lemak and ayam golek were sold at the bazar, with the tastiest beverages and fruit juices alongside the utmost delicate kuih, tau fu fa, apam balik, kebab, mee, burger, whatever. Everybody you know in Seri Iskandar went to the bazar for food-hunting back then, so it's also a meeting of familiar faces at one time.

Strangely it's not happening this year, maybe because the previous bazar being split into two -- one inside UiTM and one at the outside SIDEC -- but even that won't explain the disappearance of the best stalls around. Yes, even some of the best-remembered gerai have disappeared.

That even makes the food at DM -- the Dewan Makan, where food is subsidised -- a choice for me. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but it shows how desperate we are for express, fast food and how berbuka is simply an occasion to break our fasts. A big feast is rare, though we may venture for KFC or Pizza Hut sessions at Batu Gajah or simply Ipoh for the bravado, but like I said, with the 'work' factor being counted into the scene, the case is always rare.

The luxury of Klang Valley is far away, of course. What more the luxury of home, where breaking fast is never a question -- it's an answer. However the similarity of both remain the same, it's the excitement that matters (especially when the hunger just builds up while waiting for berbuka). Whether it's just plain water and kurma or a big plate of Super Supreme for berbuka, I guess Ramadan has been nice to me this year. Sahur can be quite challenging, though. With all the food scarcity...

We've grown acceptant to it. And we've grown acceptant to the accumulating workloads too, even though Raya is getting nearer day by day. We've expected the worse, though. Hari Raya is Hari Raya, I do look forward to it but I don't want things to be fast forwarded to it. At last, I contemplated to a friend, we're not excited about Raya anymore. We've grown patience for it, unlike during the schooldays.

What's for berbuka tonight, eh? It's very early in the morning at the time of the posting, so I guess it's a bit too early to think about the food we'd have for berbuka, no? Mama would usually hush me, saying it's a tak baik thing to be thought of while you're fasting. I miss her controlling what I think sometimes. But I do think a seafood session at Lumut would be nice, or just a plain nasi alongside with our usual daging goreng kunyit, cendawan goreng, kailan ikan masin, telur dadar with the regular teh ais at the nearest restoran. It's been a while since we last had meals like that.

Nasi kerabu, actually, has never been my favourite. Only today, thanks to the influence of my UiTM friends, it has even found its way to my berbuka plate back home. Ironically, nasi kerabu has always been lurking in our kitchen due to our Kelantanese heritage -- catering only to Ayah and Mama, and sometimes Atuk, Wan, Opah, Acu.. and the list goes on but never myself -- but Mama realised my menu changes only recently, while quickly catching up to it.

She even added ikan keli (which was definitely alien to our tastebuds) into the menu whenever I'm at home. But KL's ikan keli has always been pitiful, unlike their Sungai Perak counterparts. Ah, the fish that tastes like chicken. One of the best worldly rewards if you ask me, never mind the ugly seditions being thrown at them.

Looks like a nice Friday, today. Have a smooth sailing in completing your fast today, if you're fasting. Of course, when it ends for today, selamat berbuka puasa. When we're done with it, well, then maybe we can think of what's in for tonight's moreh.

Posting from Seri Iskandar. Kerabu, as I understand are mixed vegetables, ulam of some sort. I don't know for sure. I just eat. Nasi kerabu is a set of meal consisting of a blue-colored, telur masin, which can be mixed with budu or sambal. You can further customise the meal by adding ikan or ayam goreng, ikan masin, keropok and solok -- some coconut mixture stuffed into a pepper's kelongsong. Moreh is a meal served after Tarawih -- a special prayer done only in the nights of Ramadan which basically consists of two rakaats and performed until the 8th or the 20th rakaat. Moreh can be some sort of a late-evening meal, a supper if you want to see it that way. Sahur is a pre-fasting meal, taken very early in the morning before the Subuh prayer is performed, which signals the beginning of a fasting day. Listening to: Butterfingers - Mati Hidup Kembali (Kembali, 20o8)

At Crossroads

I must say I've been quite out of place recently. Literally and otherwise. Being the person I am -- not knowing how to take things simply -- I was easily depressed as soon as complicated things barge in the picture. Things are getting more frustrating. The pressure came from many sides. I became disappointed in what I'm doing, though unfortunately I'm unsure from which the pressure came the most -- the course? the place? the people?

It's like my studies are flushing into a decline. It's shameful, to say the least. I become unsure of where to turn to. Procrastinating is another thing, but being in a state of idea scarcity is another. Design suddenly became savagely cruel. I feel dumb, really. It's like anything that I'm good in are becoming absolutely useless when it comes to design, and the situation isn't getting better.

And the place, well, I think you've heard enough complaints if you're one of my close friends. I hate Seri Iskandar. More so, UiTM Perak. Rigid, rigid and too rigid. Why complain, you say? Because we can change the situation, dumb ass. If you keep denying your actual rights and submitting your fate to the authority this is what's happening. They'll bully you.

Guys can't go out after 9 pm? Driving in campus after 12 pm is off-limits? Tucking in T-Shirts, long pants, not wearing faded jeans, short haircut, not wearing slippers and to a certain extent having short fingernails make you a better university student than others? Dude, we can change this. Stage a revolution and we can mingle around freely even though we're in IPTA.

'Safety reasons' is always the reason to be manipulated. Sounds like US war against terrorism warnings, don't you think so?

There's nothing unIslamic or unMalay or for clarity's sake, Westernised about not tucking in my fucking shirt into my fucking trousers. Like they always say, we university students always have our priority -- that is, to study -- so don't you think that we don't have to waste our time dealing with near-authoritarian pak guards and settling our samans? Like what the hell, man?

About the people, well, there's no problem about the people. Nearly.

It's quite an honest thing to say that I'm now at crossroads. It's worrisome that I'm diverting away from my original ways and aims. I must say, I loved architecture and after some cross-checks, still am. There are certain times, however, that I feel so downgraded, I felt like changing course. Absolutely.

I wondered whether I'm in the right place, with the right people. Maybe that's why I come home often, I want to keep in touch with my older roots. I can be quite a confusing guy, I can be like that there, and like this at another place. Then it all became mixed up.

Then again, changing my course totally would still be unbelievable, at least a little bit far-fetched. Again, my indecisive self depended on others' viewpoints and opinions about this, particularly of those back home. Pursuing my studies in architecture has always been my dreams, why abandon the ship now? I guess it'll be a pointless thing to do even if I did, I thought.

I do have other interests in life. Particularly photography and journalism, while some convinced me that I might be doing well in advertising. At least I'll end up doing arts and design or anything relating to the media, publishing, the lot. But built environment is kind of hard to be ignored.

I was too tired to think rationally. Maybe not now. So, I guess, even if I want to divert from the initial route I might just as well finish what I'm already starting first. Why not? I must say, it's quite a habit for me to leave things before they're unfinished. Which is bad, I know. Maybe I'm the one who is impatient.

Yes, I complain a lot. I criticise a lot. So do many others in my field. We're not called architectural students or at least design-related students if we're not critical. Criticising is not all bad. Being pak turut is bad. Following a law is good, but are all laws good?

Critising doesn't mean you're ungrateful. Come on, be independent, be free. If you want to go ahead being forced to wear the tudung or having to wear sweaters to cover your short sleeve Ts and so-called exposing jeans then fine. But don't come up later and complain this and that behind the pak guard's asses, because it is you who are submitting yourself in the first place.

As for design, well, there's hope. And as always, there are friends who are supportive and non supportive, which I don't really have to bother anyway. My individualism traits (which is quite normal back home, I didn't even noticed it) has irritated some, it seems. Being a non-conformist I'm already am, should I change myself just because some unenlightened souls labeled me as selfish?

It's hard. If you hear any architectural students complain about not having enough time to socialise (to a certain extent, sleep), he or she is not lying. At all. Believe me, I've been missing a lot. And I'm missing a lot of things. Being in Perak won't help either.

And when you hear they say it's hard, believe them too. Sorry for the unanswered calls and messages, for unattended invites and ignored plights. I really, really want to keep in touch. I really want to restore the good old days. I don't like my life today. It seems to be complete materially outside, but inside it's deserted.

Right now, I'm finding my ways back, traces of which has been covered by unnecessary stuffs and conflicting things for the past three semesters. I hope I can find it.

If only I had more time.