black 23rd.

i didn't expect the 204th day of this year should turn out to be this way. i mean, technically i started it frustatingly, knowing the shucks and all, and then read some good detective conan and fell asleep at somewhere 3. woke up at 5, 7, 7.30, and finally 8 am.

i went to breakfast emotionlessly, swaying all the way to d.e making a somber face that if somebody i knew met me that time they would throw a very weird face at me. i arrived first, grabbing the star if there's anything written about the thing. then atikah came, and 15 minutes (or more) aidil came. we tried to forget what had happened and tried to laugh as usual, though eventually we did, but still the tormented fate is unbearable (at least for me).

then we went to cili merah, i met up with ab to collect the photos during ilah's party. yeah happy times, the times where i don't even think that it'll all end up like this, all crappy stupid & unnecessary. then borak abt the thing, sigh. basically i just throw it all out abt how i hated thing and know, hate it like hell. knowing that there's nearly nothing that i can do makes i hate it even more. then we went for a stroll around 9, and ab sent me home. tried to contact meme but he was back in the kampung. saw mum outside, sigh, maybe i should tell mom.

so i went out there, sat on the garden's terrace's dividers and looked at her as if pointlessly. she was doing her gardening and chores, as always. told her i got thing, and she just replied in one breath, pegi jela as if joining thing is so bloody easy. everything looked easy you know, when you're not in my place. i haven't told ayah yet, i'm waiting for him to get back from melbourne. as if he can do anything. only miracle permits, i guess.

posted something at my blog. suddenly it was zuhur, then alang came. i really can't concentrate, thinking about the burdens and all, i was so shrouded with severe dumbness. totally not overreacting, if you think so. then i got online, saw many people online. then hanila greeted me, saying qayum's guitar yesterday was good. she meant it, i guess. everybody should know qayum played good guitar. well she told me she didn't got thing, then i said congrats as sincerely as i could. one lucky girl, that one. then i told her i got it. as always, people told me to relax. fine then.

then greeted chakra, always good to chat with. after a long while of exchanging opinions he mentioned about nabila (nabel). i suddenly thought of calling her. so i called, all the way down to malacca. after a moment of dire straits' ringtone, nabila picked up. well, everybody knew nabila got thing last yr right. at least i felt normal, after knowing that she was at first pissed off too. angry, depression. one by one the checklist is completed. and i somewhat felt better. for a long time we chatted, well, exchanging opinions, how unsatisfied we are (were), and things. well at least she said the letter didn't came yet. i hope it won't.

exchanged good lucks. i loved her so much, as a friend of course. thank you so much.

hung up. sending nabila's regards to chakra. namie was online. ab was online too. but i merely did nothing, just exchanging words. finding that chakra is free, we decided to have tea together at, again, d.e. talked again, i liked his story about how 5sc1 suprised puan hafizah during graduation last year. the story is too sweet. we continued chatting at our house, with a cat (which i found out belongs to aiman's) mingling at our feet. then he got home.

then i got in. mom. folding clothes. always a good time for a borak session. but i didn't. utterless. feeling all bangang. then i remembered dira. called her. asked for other ic numbers. typed some ic numbers.

no k/p anda tidak dijumpai.
no k/p anda tidak dijumpai.
no k/p anda tidak dijumpai.
no k/p anda..

i just envy them.

ordered pizza. hm.

it's not sadness. it's anger. i know it. it's a feeling of unsatisfactory. maybe betrayal. feeling of unluckiness and all things unlucky. no, maybe it is sad. but deep downwards, it's anger. maybe it's anger mixed with sadness. and hatred, and depression. and other syllables i don't know.

as i recalled chakra's beautiful stories, i felt empty. as i recalled typing a good luck for trials to aidil during the last time he onlined on 4 pm before he went of to gombak, i felt nothing. i felt nothing when i told about how unscary was the overrated pameran hantu over to alang and chakra. oh yeah, maybe it's just emptiness. i don't know.

hell yes, i'm emo.
it's all fcukingly unfair thanks.

oh, God.