Faithful Irony and the Umrah I Seek

I admit that I'm not that observant. I know some things have to be corrected, here and there. Hell, if I think of myself this way, then my friends that are much of the non-observant type should really reconsider themselves, no? I don't know. I still believe it's up to their choice. People seek pleasure out of boredom and disappointments in life and surely they had their part of life, didn't they?

I've saved two posts into drafts. Both are in Malay, and considering their provocative yet mild content I've decided to halt the publishing of the two for the sake of being appropriate. One is about 'Ketuanan Melayu' and one is about the increasingly fake contents in our weekly Friday khutbahs. Yep, you got it.

I'm yet to believe that my preparation for my increasingly near, upcoming umrah which is due next week, is complete. I'm not even sure about how to correctly wear the ihram yet, but by the least I'm slowly studying everything. However it is, I'm aptly anxious and curious of what will happen to me in the Holy Lands, of how will I adapt to it, and whether I can really find something out of it.

I guess my biggest sin is the way I think. Sometimes it's too liberal, it's beginning to legalise some things that are not. My weakness is not really at my behavior, which is so far controllable. Despite my financial opportunities, I prefer not to drink and I choose not to smoke (includes anything smokable -- cigs, weed -- with the exception of shisha) and I know where my money is wasted.

All these, in a situation where I'm free to do whatever I want to do. I've never known any curfews in my life. In return, I've got nearly everything that I've wanted. It's quite a straightforward, carefree life, though in reality it's really not that breezy, just like anybody else's.

I admit that I'm not that observant. I know some things have to be corrected, here and there. Hell, if I think of myself this way, then my friends that are much of the non-observant type should really reconsider themselves, no? I don't know. I still believe it's up to their choice. People seek pleasure out of boredom and disappointments in life and surely they had their part of life, didn't they?

I detest those who criticise me for alleging me in being a lesser Muslim by neglecting my prayers. I lambasted back -- what is the purpose of you praying, if you don't know what are you asking from God? It's scaring me, the fact that these people don't know what are they doing. These people are making Islam as a mere ritualistic, rigid religion. Maybe that is why the behaviour of those who pray are worse that those who do not pray. Am I not being realistic?

I'm not insulting anything. In fact, what I'm trying to say is, we're supposed to erect our solat with our hearts, not absentmindedly. We pray because of God, not because anybody else force us to do so. It'll fake. There will be no iman, moreover ihsan in our prayers. And haven't we all know that even those who are careless in their prayers will be punished too?¹

I came back from the Friday prayers today feeling tensed, rather than enlightened. We, the so-called faithfuls, did inconsiderate parking and traffic nuisance. The preacher again gave a sermon about something he might barely know of. It is always us the youngsters who are being attacked.

Even I am bored with the content of the khutbah nowadays, and why am I not surprised if many of my male friends are not attending the Friday sessions and are soundly sleeping at their homes instead?

Why? Because many of us can't relate ourselves with the content of the khutbah. This is shaking the very basic intention of having the khutbah in a weekly congregation of Muslims -- one of the reason is to foster the ties of ukhuwah, or brotherhood, in the effort of strengthening the ummah. Yet, even those who came to 'listen' doze off.

All these summed up with my slippers stolen. It is the fourth pair of slippers that I've bought in a period of three weeks. And I've been told those who believe don't steal.

Sometimes I feel disappointed that I'm not able to control my sometimes overtly-pessimistic thoughts. Maybe I'm the one who is wrong because I think about it so much. But one can be really disappointed about how Islam is practiced in our lives nowadays. I always like to see Islam as contemporary and progressive, but some people just like to see my precious faith as downright conservative.

I hate seeing Islam as old. Dude, it's a religion for everybody, not only for the Malays. Islam is so huge, it's universal. Yet I can't understand why are some people deliberately put so many regressive blockades in it -- it creates more of hesitation and insecurities rather than deviance and piety.

It doesn't matter that my lepak sessions are still on-going and I'm still wearing shorts when I'm out. All I wanted to do in the Holy Lands is to seek truth -- to seek my faith. This won't involve me transforming into another Pak Lebai. This is a hideous typical Malay mindset. What I want from God is some mental and spiritual correctness.

Sometimes it is so hard to scheme on something good. If it's hard for me, would it be easier for my girl-banging, weed-smoking, alcohol-consumptive, ignorance-embracing, much 'sinful' friends? And what is sinful and what is not nowadays, you may ask. I'm afraid I'm not sure anymore. However, the sins we commit amongst ourselves are much of the open secret that everyone should know.

All the authorities know is to continuously condemning us, blaming us for our sins -- as if they're saints, just look around now -- and seeing us as problematic. As far as I'm concerned, in par with the condemnations, there's no clear way suggested for us so-called sinners to return to the right path. Or shall I say, there's no suitable way.

I'm living in the age where the young people are feeling awkward with their faith. I'm being realistic while hypocrisy and denial are put 100% aside. So, so much for an easily-achieved birthright?

I find my umrah package only caters to those who are much older of age. Which means, I find a hard time fitting in the situation which mainly favours the pakcik-pakcik and makcik-makcik. Look, I'm trying to be honest here, and I don't have much time tersipu-sipu sealing the truth. That sounds like a pre-Merdeka Malay to me.

It is as if they're keeping away the youngsters from stepping on the land of the honourable Prophet, peace and blessings of God be upon him and his family.

Like come on, how many young people would you see performing umrah on the beginning of summertime? I should've gone to Bali or Bandung, Paris or New York, or Melbourne, for clarity's sake. But I chose to participate in a lesser hajj, and of course, I've my own reasons.

I have so much to find out from this journey that I'm bound to. For a Malay that has been to the Vatican City -- the seat of Christendom and the Pope -- in Rome but finding this upcoming trip to be his first time to the two Holy Mosques, there is much to do to break the chains of irony.

And may peace be upon those who seek peace.

AB is already in Makkah performing his umrah with his family. Nik Aziz Nik Mat, Kelantan's Menteri Besar is also expecting to commence his umrah on Monday. The spelling 'Makkah' and 'Madinah' will be used from now onwards instead of 'Mecca' and 'Medina', in accordance with the Saudi government's correct transliteration which is also recognised by the United Nations. See why.

¹Refer Surah 107:4-5

Listening to: John Mayer - Say, acoustic cover by Boyce Avenue. See here. PHOTO by De La Luz at Flickr.